1998年07月13日
Riverside
- ayum
- 19:01
- コメント (185)
久しぶりに静かな川の土手を歩いていたら、不意に川辺に下りてみたくなった。少し先には下の川辺に下りられる小さな石の階段がある。僕はその石段をゆっくりと下りて、決して早くはない川の流れのせせらぎが聞こえるくらい河岸の側まで寄って行った。そうしてしばらくぶらぶらとそこら辺を歩く。日差しのとても気持ちいい初夏の午後で、夕暮れ前のゆったりとした、日々の喧騒が急にどこか遠くへ去っていってしまったかのような穏やかな時がそこには流れていた。誰かがどこかで談笑している声が聞こえ、午後6時を告げる鐘の音が耳に届く。しかしその声も音色も近くで聞こえているのか遠くで響いているのかすらわからない程に虚ろに感じられた。距離も時間もあってないようなものに思えるほど穏やかなその空間に、僕は不思議な居心地のよさを覚える。いくらか先へ進んで、比較的奇麗に手入れされた芝生が広がるところまできて、僕はそこに腰を下ろした。これまでより目線のより近いところに川の流れが見える。小さい鮒か何かが飛び跳ねた後の波紋や、流れの中で揺れる水紋が僕の目にくっきりと鮮明に映る。
川は何も言わずにただ静かに流る。僕はそのとても聞き取れないような微かな言葉を聞くために心を流れに溶け込ませていこうとした。彼らの言葉は少なく、小さい。ときに何かに心を奪われたままでは、彼らが語りかけてきてくれることさえ忘れてしまうことも多い。僕は流れをじっと見つめる。そうしてどのくらい時間がたったのか、いつしか耳に聞こえない言葉でそっと彼らは語りはじめる。
少し昔、僕はちょっとした人生の転機を迎えた。それは本当にちょっとしたものだったのかもしれないし、あるいは僕が思う以上に大きい転機だったのかもしれない。それは今はまだわからないけれど、とにかく僕はそのときガラにもなく人生、あるいは自分というものについて深く考えた。そうしていると、だんだん自分という存在が嫌になってきた。全てを捨てて逃げ出したい、そんな衝動に駆られた。それでもそうすることもできずに、僕はまだこの街で僕としていた。
季節のように変わっていきたい。そう願ってやまなかった。どうして自然は1年という決して長くはない周期の中で、あんなにも装いを変え、しかもそこに美しささえ湛えさせることができるのだろう。それが不思議でならなかった。決して無理に繕うのではなく、あくまでしなやかに、季節は常に表情を変える。その力にあやかりたいと強く願った。
自分という存在を否定した僕は、大きな変化を自身に求めた。それは季節が移りゆくような、艶やかで誰の目にも明らかなもの。けれどもその変化は常に僕に何らかの形で無理を引き起こした。その事はまたさらに僕を絶望させ、変化に対する憧憬はより一層強まっていった。
川の流れを僕は見つめる。さっき見た景色もいま見る流れも、どちらも見た目は同じ川で同じ景色に違いなかった。けれどもさっき見た水はすでにどこか遠くへ流れ去ってしまい、今見たこの流れも一瞬後にはもう入れ替わってしまう。目に映る世界は何も変わらないのに。それはきっと気付かなくてもいいささやかな入れ替わりで、僕もいつもは見過ごしていた小さな事実だった。それでもその小さな事実は、僕に何かを気付かせてくれた。
微かに聞こえた川の言葉は、僕の歪んだしがらみをさっぱりと洗い流してくれた。僕は否定した自分を捨てたいと思ったけど、それには別に過去の自分をまとめて処分してしまうほどのことはしなくてよかったし、するべきでもなかった。少しずつ、川を流れる水のように自分の中の否定したい部分を入れ替えていけばいい。目に見える艶やかな変化に固執することはない。それはきっとまたさらに僕を痛めつける。その事に気付くと、心にあったしこりのようなものがふっと軽くなった気がした。自分がこれまで何のために走り続け、何故それに疲れていたのかもやっとわかった。自分の陰に駆り立てられていた“現在”という瞬間の連続からの脱却。それを何よりも僕は今必要としていた。
静かに流れる川を僕は何も言わずに眺める。どのくらい時間がたっただろうか、いつのまにか陽も傾きはじめた。僕はそれでもじっと川の流れを見つめていた。緩やかにその身を遷す流れを。川は変わらない。僕も変わらない。少なくともこの目に映る世界では。
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